Dating researcher reveals genuine confessions from single men and offers insight on how single women can improve first impressions
Beware: 'The Boss Lady'
What was the #1 reason that 1,000 men didn't pursue a woman whom they were initially interested in? I've labeled it "The Boss Lady." He thinks she's terrific -- smart and successful -- but he decides he'd rather hire her than date her. In such a situation, women typically guess that men are intimidated by their success or strong personality. But men said they get enough aggression at work all day, and when they come home they want to be with someone softer, more nurturing. They do want someone intelligent with an interesting career, but they prefer a warm demeanor.
The term "boss" here reflects men's attitudes that certain women seem either argumentative, competitive, controlling, not feminine, too independent, not nurturing, or some combination of the above. Of course, women don't use the same terminology to describe this behavior. Instead, women might rightfully identify themselves as persuasive, capable, street-smart, organized, modern, confident, or forthright.
Importantly, the real issue is not what you are or aren't at your core, but rather that trivial comments or actions are screening you out before he can really get to know and appreciate all of you.
So, what to do if you think men are stereotyping you as The Boss Lady? Here are three easy tips:
- Soften your delivery. Some of the negative perceptions a man has about The Boss Lady are reactions to how she speaks and acts, not about her inherent personality. Toning down your conversation style from combative or challenging to gracious, and even a little flirtatious, goes a long way. And if you find yourself on opposite sides of an issue, try sprinkling qualifying words into your dialogue such as "I think" or "I wonder" or "maybe," which allow for disagreement but aren't adversarial.
- Look like a woman. At work, conservative and structured clothing allows you to be taken seriously, but it's not exactly sensual by candlelight. Don't go straight from work in your power suit to meet him for dinner; rather, change into something soft and flirty. And try growing your hair longer: men told me that shoulder-length hair (or longer) is more feminine. Sure, you're a strong and capable woman, but think Scarlett O'Hara not Hillary Clinton.
- Select what you need, not want. Like the Rolling Stones say, "You can't always get what you want, but you just might find, you get what you need." So think hard about the men you're selecting. For The Boss Lady, a nurturing, giving type of guy can be optimal (maybe he's a teacher or chef instead of Wall Street broker?). That's the opposite image of what most successful career women seek, but your best match might be a man who balances you emotionally: someone who is laid-back, sweet, surrendering, and patient. He might be just what you need.
